Being alone with my thoughts is something that doesn’t happen often, but when it does I can never tell if that’s good or bad. I love to watch tv shows. Sometimes sappy ones that would inevitably bring on these feelings of being unsure, but not always. Gilmore girls: A Year in the Life is what I just started, and I know I’m late to the party. Scrubs is another one I just began and I’m even more late to that one. Both left me with the same thoughts though. Maybe it’s okay to never have your life together. Rory was the best thing to come out of Stars Hollow. She was loved by everyone and had such plans for herself. She was a hard worker and succeeded in everything she did. It turns out though that life had other plans for her. Relationship issues, hard times finding a steady job, never really having a place to call “home.” Even though she had it all, her life is still kind of a mess when she’s in her 30′s. Can you really work so hard your whole life and then have everything not work out? Then we have Elliot from Scrubs. Life is never on her side even though she is a smart, beautiful doctor who worked so hard to get where she is. She is the definition of one step forward, two steps back. Life for me at this point is very relatable to Rory and Elliot. I’m 22, but yet I somehow feel like I have no clue who I truly am. Some days I feel like I’m ready to take graduate school on and to rent an apartment with my boyfriend of five and a half years and start the beginning of our “adult” lives together. Other days I want to forget it all and travel the world by myself and make memories that are just mine to have. I want to have an impact and I know exactly how I’d do it, but it’s so rare that big risks actually work in your favor. That’s how it’s always gone for me anyways. Being in college made me selfish. I learned that focusing on yourself is okay, but I’m not sure that realization was a positive thing. I made some decisions that were definitely questionable and that didn’t have my best interest at hand even though it was what I wanted at the time. I could never be selfish before I went away to school, so I took full advantage of the last four years. I guess that’s what being the oldest of five children will do to you. College also taught me that I am jealous, terrible at forgiveness, and can be extremely petty. So much so that I will actually convince myself that I do not want something in life just because it’s what someone else wants for me or it’s what someone else did. I try so hard to not be like the people I don’t like that I feel like I’ve changed my true self. I’m not sure if I truly don’t like these people, or I am just so jealous of them that I’ve convinced myself I don’t like them. I get possessive, not of people, but I enjoy having things that just belong to me…experiences, jobs, talents, tv shows I like, etc. When I have to share anything I love, it makes me angry. I tell people that I’m sorry way too often and for things that aren’t even my fault. On occasion, I drink to forget and then I actually do forget. I’m not really sure where all of this is going. I’m not even sure I’m saying it’s okay to not have it all together, because most times I feel like I should. I see friends and family members traveling the world, beginning adult careers, achieving their dreams, buying and renting homes and apartments with the people they love or on their own. All of these things are so great! But the worst part is I can’t even say I’m truly happy for them (here comes the jealousy and pettiness again). I wish I could say that because I’m tired of feeling all of this negativity. I want to like the ones that I dislike; I want to be happy for everyone who is achieving their dreams. But can I do these things when the same isn’t happening for me? Honestly, I’m not sure…selfishness again. My head is a mess and I hope someday it will be clear. For now, I’ll just keep on stumbling through life with the ones that I love and who helped get me this far in the first place. I’m so grateful for you all and I’m honestly not sure how you put up with all of this. Maybe it’s okay to never have it all together. I really hope it is. Here is my mess of thoughts that nobody asked for. Thanks for stopping by.